So here it is, all I know. Before this point in time, I was not truly connected to my surroundings, rather I was a silent observer, only talking when I was spoken to, only doing what was expected of me. It is at that point in time when I decided to become involved in the universe that I existed in, when I first began to enjoy the investigation of the female phenomenon. It is only in my mind, of course, that I was a watcher and in no way actually connected to the places I had been. After all, this is the reason for everything that happens, that is, the perception of self. In every situation that involves people, there is what is really happening, and then there is the perceived (which is usually much more interesting.) I cannot really say that I was never involved in my reality and interactions with people before that point, but I can truly express that it is the only place where I knew in my mind that I was not. When a mind is convinced of a thing, it is not really a fantasy, per say, it is a possible reality (especially for the mind it exists in!)
When someone makes a judgment about another person, it is based explicitly on the judging party’s experience, nothing else. This is the beauty and the bane of pop culture, and although it provides a common experience for us to resonate with, it also sets up a false sense of knowledge, in fact it is a completely fictitious representation based on committee rule. This in itself is not bad, rather, it is very entertaining, educational, and highly useful. When it becomes a terrible problem is when people become so enamored with the sentiments of pop culture, or any other organized social system (including, but not limited to religion, countries, politics, family, cults, counter cultures, law enforcement, financial markets, etc.) that they forget to pay attention to their own perceptions, emotions, and desires. It is a wonderful thing to have someone to emulate in your life as a hero or role model, and yet still more of a tragedy for anyone to look to anyone else as a blueprint to specifically fashion themselves after.
So it goes that everything that I know has several sides to it and everything I know is only one sided- my sided. I can’t tell why there is an inherent contradiction to everything I think about, write about, or try to explain. I can tell this, though, that I don’t believe anything is real unless it has a hypocritical angle to it. Human beings are the most backwards and forwards creatures, existing in harmony as contradiction in motion. Does this excuse us for the atrocities born out of ignorance, lust, psychosis (whatever that is), or passion? Of course not, yet it is the explanation for why we are able to create miracles and ultimate destruction. Anything we dream, we eventually do. Now that is what I call power!! Who wants some?
The ultimate strength of convergence / divergence, is when we can do both at the same time, can you imagine an entity that can do and think contradictory things all the time? What a fucking incredible thing it is that people possess. I can understand that fantasy is the denial of our true nature, and I can understand the force behind hiding from the fact that we can do any fucking thing we want to do is the fear of screwing it up. When a person tries to take away that thing which makes us each the most amazing creature ever, the whole reality around that person succumbs to disaster.
So the submission of myself into diverting energies towards the constant search for the delicate meanings behind the differences between me and women, also eventually just leads to recognizing the differences between me and all the others out there. One is always alone and no matter how often other people help you and look out for you, the only person you have to ever please is yourself. So how can knowing others really be any more than knowing yourself? It can’t. That is why I am always trying to get to know people who can bring the possibility of me being under my own power closer and people who separate me form myself further away.
How in the world is it that a person begins to write things that can never be written or understood by anyone else? It just happens when there is more inside a mind then can possibly be expressed during the course of their normal, daily existence. I happens so with the other forms of expression, and even causes craziness on the most extreme levels. A persons mind is way more powerful than anything else they ever come into contact with. This is true whether or not they actually know it or not. Most people are so consumed by what is in their minds that they cannot separate it from the reality they live in. No matter how hard one tries, they can never escape their own minds while they are alive.
So now all I know is no more than a restatement of the obvious. That’s ok with me, if you are bored reading this and become disinterested, believe me, it won’t hurt my feelings when these words go left unread. It is important, though for me to belong to my written word, and it is one of the great tools which I can use to soothe the twitching of my life on the inside. I know that no one else will ever make a judgment like I do, nor will the world ever be perceived and acted upon like I can.
So I got to know the people in my world. They were really excellent adaptations of the species, and each very willful in their own way. It still fascinates me to meet new people and to reaffirm that we all want to belong, but are each instinctively very different from each other. What is it that keeps us from accepting our own nature, the really good stuff about humans is that we are all different. Fuck science, I do not believe that there is anything predictable about what a person can do, who they are, what they become, how to “fix” them if they are broken, or any other reasonable fantasy that lumps us all together in anything but the broadest of categories. Wherever similarities do exist, is the very opportunity for a new stream of thought, not a place to hide for comfort’s sake. What I have really learned to do is listen. I will always diligently watch, whether I want to or not. I am terribly curious about people, and I am always hoping that they could reach their dreams. I am sure that we can never be aside from the instant gratification which is so often sought (or denied, which is really the same thing) and it is even more beautiful when a trail of instant gratification can lead to a larger satisfaction or realization of a dream. If you had everything you ever wanted, what would you wish for?
So now I am in the chase for the elusive things that are beyond my control, the things which want to be, yet have no facilitator. It can be no different than the mildest of dreams, the most ordinary of desires, the least of all we pretend we want. I can never return what is given to me, I can never pass on how I am, I can never become something I am not; and yet, it is my meaning to belong to the next step. It is only due to the unfulfilled desires of all of us that we are able to harm each other. There is no other farther icon from hope than hope itself. This fantasy which we take as a desire to affect the future in a ‘good’ way is hope. Do we ever have control of the way we are perceived, the results of the things we do, how we feel, what we cause others to feel, or anything other than exactly what we are thinking at any given moment? It is the only thing I know.
So we have choices, and they are only limited by what we can imagine. Contrary to many beliefs, it is the mind that has the ultimate say in what choices we make. Of course, for choices to actually become part of our physical existence, they must be somehow reconciled with what we are feeling and how this makes the transition (if it ever can make the transition) from our imagination to our reality. No matter how often we are denied by reality, there are more times that we are satisfied by our world, yet this does not satisfy us. It is also built into us that no matter how often we are satisfied by reality and no matter how complete of a satisfaction we obtain, we always (even if it is secretly) want more. The fact remains: the mind is more powerful, faster, harder working, and beyond direct control of the places we have been. I can never make choices for someone else, Even if they appear to me junior in some way to me. It is impossible for anyone to be outside of themselves, have control over anything beyond their grasp, or borrow someone else’s life for their own meanings. It goes back to the basis of all life being dependent on that individual’s experiences. The most reliable connection we have to each other is our environment, it is the one thing that we are always interconnected through.
Now, let me also say that in my mind I believe that people can be connected in many other ways, but I cannot say why or how these other ways happen. I also cannot say what significance, if any, these other connections actually have and I can also say that at any one moment someone’s mind can have more control over the mutual environment than everyone else’s mind. It comes down to power and how much a person is endowed with. When a person believes that they are responsible for the environment, and other people give them the power to manage it, they will have some power over it. I know, though, that this is really just in the minds of the people involved. This is our most valuable possession, the fact that we can agree on something, and make it part of reality. From one mind, reality may or may not become altered to lesser and greater degrees. From an agreement between minds, the environment will change rapidly and without constriction to greater degrees of alteration than that of one mind. It will also have a tendency to become more perverted, since there are so many experiences influencing the dynamic of the change and there are so many other things that are hidden strengths among the different minds, making the entire situation more volatile.
Not sure exactly what I am trying to say, or if I am trying to communicate anything at all, just placing the things I know on paper does not really mean that they are so, and does not mean I won’t change my mind tomorrow, and does not mean that they have any real value at all. All I know doesn’t ever have to be anything, after all.